


Ace (the +)

by Enochianess



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Asexual Bucky Barnes, Asexuality, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, M/M, Self-Acceptance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-19
Updated: 2018-02-19
Packaged: 2019-03-21 08:56:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13737450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Enochianess/pseuds/Enochianess
Summary: There's something wrong with Bucky, something alien. That much he knows. What guy in his twenties doesn't want sex?Otherwise known as: the sexuality crisis of the 1%, the forgotten A at the end of LGBTQ+





	Ace (the +)

**Author's Note:**

> This story is incredibly personal to me. Perhaps if I was in a better state of mind it would be longer, but I just needed to get this out.
> 
> I myself am asexual and it is something I struggle with a lot. This story is based on my own feelings regarding my sexuality, so please don't tell me that there's something wrong with them or that they're not valid. We all come to terms with our sexuality at different times and self-acceptance is not an easy thing.

_Quand on a pas ce que l’on aime, il faut aimer ce que l’on a_

When you don’t have what you love, you have to love what you have

 

Bucky wants to have sex, he really does.

(Except for the way he really doesn’t)

He’s been telling himself for years that he’s just waiting to meet the right person, but at twenty-two, he’s struggling to believe the lie anymore. He wants to want it so bad. He wants to look at an attractive guy and feel something, that tug in his gut that he’s read about in his novels, bite his lip like the people in movies. He’s tried to conjure it into reality, has tried rubbing against a stranger on the dance floor desperately hoping he’ll get hard, has tried making out in squalid bathrooms and has tried breathing heavily and making noises when the guy starts rutting against him. It’s all fake though. It’s all so completely fake.

The problem is that Bucky _doesn’t_ want it.

There’s something wrong with him, something alien. That much he knows.

What guy doesn’t want sex?

He’s in his prime. He’s attractive. He gets hit on all the time. He could have an amazing, healthy sex life.

Instead, Bucky is twenty-two and a virgin.

(If he cries himself to sleep over that almost every night, no one will ever know)

**

“Holy shit, look at him,” Natasha says with a wolf-whistle.

“Hey,” Clint says, “stop checking him out.”

“JB, you should definitely hit that. It’d be a waste if neither of us did.”

Bucky laughs, but on the inside he feels twisty and sick. The thing is, the guy Nat is looking at really is hot. He’s one of the most attractive people Bucky thinks he’s ever seen.

“Go over there, man,” Clint says, mistaking Bucky’s staring for something else.

“Nah,” Bucky says shakily, “I’m alright.”

Natasha turns to Bucky and looks at him over her sunglasses. “Seriously?”

Bucky shrugs.

(What else can he do? What explanation could there possibly be for why he wouldn’t go over there?)

“I’m not really interested in a relationship, you know that,” Bucky says.

(He’d give anything to be with someone)

“I never said marry him,” Natasha says, “but I will judge you for the rest of your life if you do not tap that.”

“Ditto, man,” Clint says. “Even as a straight guy I’d tap that.”

Bucky clenches his hands into fists beneath the table and smiles tightly at his friends.

“Okay, sure,” Bucky says.

He curses himself beneath his breath as he walks across the courtyard to where the tall blond is stood. He’s going to embarrass himself majorly, he just knows it.

“Hi,” Bucky says, wincing when his voice cracks.

The guy looks up from his phone and smiles and, well, it’s kind of fucking beautiful.

“Hi yourself,” he replies.

“So, um, my friends over there,” Bucky says, pointing to where he knows Clint and Natasha are watching like hawks, “they told me I had to come over and speak to you.”

“Oh, they did, huh?” the guy says, smirking. “Why would that be?”

“Because you’re hot,” Bucky says, rolling his eyes at himself.

The guy laughs, his eyes crinkling. “That’s very kind of you to say. You’re not too bad yourself.”

Bucky snorts. “Not too bad.”

“I’m Steve.”

“Bucky.”

They shake hands and Bucky can’t help but think that he has very nice hands: warm and soft and gentle. He doesn’t feel a tug in his gut and he doesn’t bite his lip, but there’s a warm tingly feeling in his tummy that he’s only felt once or twice before in his sad, pathetic life.

“Do you, uh, want to get a coffee with me?” Bucky asks.

“I’d really like that.”

“Okay,” Bucky says, looking down at his feet as he blushes.

“Switch phone numbers?”

“You, uh, really want to? There’s no pressure or anything.”

“Bucky, I really want to. I don’t get offers to go for coffee with guys as attractive as you very often.”

Bucky smiles, but his heart sinks just a little as he thinks about their date. They never end well for him, or if they do, things end pretty quickly when he refuses to move things to the bedroom.

What if that’s all Steve wants from him?

What if Bucky’s just a pretty face?

“Hey, you okay?” Steve asks.

Bucky blinks quickly and looks at Steve. “Yeah, sorry.”

“You’re not just doing this because your friends want you to, right?”

Bucky shakes his head, but Steve’s basically spot on. Bucky is doing this because of Nat and Clint. He’s doing this because he doesn’t want his friends to laugh at him. He’s doing this because he wants to be normal (even if he isn’t).

They swap numbers and then part with a promise to meet for coffee on campus tomorrow. Bucky figures that even though the date is going to be a bust, he could at least get a new friend out of it.

“So?” Nat says, smirking.

Bucky nods and sits next to Clint.

“That’s my boy,” Clint says, patting Bucky on the back. “He always comes through.”

“We’re meeting for coffee tomorrow.”

“You should have just gone home and had sex now while the apartment is empty. Coffee is just a needless prelude.”

Bucky wants to cry, but he won’t.

(Not yet)

“You’ve got to wear your sex jeans tomorrow,” Natasha says.

Bucky frowns. “What jeans?”

“The tight black ones that make your ass look killer.”

Bucky sighs heavily, but nods again. “Sure.”

“And you’ve definitely got to wear that thin black shirt.”

“It’s got a hole in it, Nat.”

“Yeah, but it still looks hot. It’s a tease. Show some skin, JB.”

(He doesn’t want to, but he will)

“I’ve got to go to class,” Bucky says, slinging his bag over his shoulder as he stands up.

“You’ve still got fifteen minutes yet,” Clint says.

“Yeah, but I need to talk to my professor,” Bucky lies.

He makes a hasty exit and walks to the nearest bathroom. He stands in front of the mirror, biting his lip as he tries not to cry. The tears come anyway and if he misses his lecture, no one will ever know why.

**

Bucky wants to get the hell out. He’s studying in his room and all he can hear, despite wearing his headphones, is the banging of Clint’s headboard hitting the adjoining wall and his friends moaning.

It sounds like they’re having fun – the time of their lives, in fact. He tries to imagine himself making those noises. He tries to imagine what it must be like to feel so much pleasure that you can’t help but cry out. It feels good when he touches himself, but it’s never felt like _that._ Someone else could push him further. They could push him to overwhelming bliss and past that stage where it feels almost like too much, when Bucky always finds himself having to stop for a breather.

Bucky thinks about it. He thinks about Steve touching him and it doesn’t make him hard. Instead, he grimaces.

He listens with tears in his eyes as he friends yell out, one after the other, and then silence falls. They’ve come.

Bucky looks down at his lap and cries.

**

“You look good,” Steve says.

They’ve just sat down, Steve with a black coffee and Bucky with a vanilla latte. Bucky feels nervous and fidgety, bouncing his legs while he cradles his mug between shaking hands.

“Thank you,” Bucky replies. “So do you.”

“Are you okay? We really don’t have to do this. I won’t think any less of you.”

Bucky shakes his head and takes a deep breath. “No, I’m just nervous.”

“I’ll tell you a secret,” Steve says, smiling. “I changed my outfit four times this morning.”

“That’s cute though.”

“Yeah, well, you’re cute.”

“Sheesh,” Bucky says, his cheeks hot.

“You look pretty when you blush.”

Bucky’s tummy flips, butterflies fluttering pleasantly. “I, um…”

Steve laughs and reaches over to squeeze Bucky’s forearm. It’s strangely comforting.

“So, what are you studying?” Steve asks.

“Engineering. You?”

“Art.”

Bucky looks Steve up and down, smiling when their gazes lock. “Yeah, I can see that. You have paint on your shirt.”

“What? Where?” Steve asks, looking down at himself.

“On the collar, just there,” Bucky says, reaching across the table to tug on Steve’s collar.

“Damn it,” Steve says. “Guess I should have stuck with one of the other outfits.”

Their eyes meet again and Bucky thinks that if he were standing he’d probably swoon.

“Were you really nervous?” Bucky asks quietly.

Steve nods. “Yeah, Buck. You’re beautiful and just really lovely. It’s, uh, actually been a long time since I dated anyone. Not that we are, you know, dating. It’s just, I don’t really have a lot of practice.”

Bucky’s heart warms at the way Steve stumbles over his words, the way his cheeks pink with embarrassment. He has nothing to be embarrassed about. He tells Steve as such. Steve looks so thankful, especially when Bucky explains that he’s never really dated anyone either.

“Guess this kind of worked out perfectly then, huh?” Steve says.

“I guess so,” Bucky replies.

Everything about their date is wonderful. Really, Bucky thinks it couldn’t have gone better. They’re standing outside the coffee shop, both about to head to a lecture, when Steve asks the question Bucky has been dreading.

“Can I kiss you?”

The worst thing is that Bucky wants to. He really wants to. He loves kissing. He loves the warmth and the comfort and the intimacy and the closeness. What he doesn’t like is that for most people it’s just a prelude to the main event. Meanwhile, for Bucky, kissing _is_ the main event.

Bucky nods, wrapping his arms around Steve’s neck when Steve pulls him into his arms. Their lips brush and it’s perfect, so lovely, and Bucky can’t help but melt into it. Steve is so gentle with him, kissing him softly and then licking into his mouth slowly and tenderly. Bucky begins to shake and he makes a small, desperate noise when Steve drags his fingers through the back of Bucky’s hair, scratching at his scalp. Steve holds him tighter, rubs up and down his back as if to soothe Bucky.

Embarrassingly, when Steve finally pulls away, Bucky has tears in his eyes. Steve smiles at him softly and brushes a thumb across Bucky’s lower lip, then leans forward to kiss his temple, his cheek, and finally pecks him on the lips again.

“Are you okay?” he asks, still rubbing Bucky’s back. “You’re shaking.”

“It’s, um, been a long time since I did that.”

“Me too,” Steve whispers. “I think I’d like to do it again though, if you want to too.”

“I have class.”

“Maybe another time.”

“Yeah, please.”

“Will you go out with me again, Bucky?”

Bucky nods, smiling when Steve kisses him again. He lets himself get lost in it because he knows, deep down, that as with every other guy he’s liked, this will end shortly too. He needs to make the most of it.

(C’est la vie)

**

They go out almost every day that week and each time is better than the last. Bucky is falling head over heels and he’s fucking terrified. He’s terrified because what happens when Steve finds out that he’s broken? Will he leave?

Of course he’ll leave.

**

“What’s wrong?”

Bucky takes a deep breath, his hands clutching his laptop in a tighter grip. He can’t look at the screen, won’t let Becca see his face. He’s not fine, but he doesn’t want her to know that. He knows she’ll never believe him, but he has to at least pretend to be okay for her sake.

“Nothing,” he says.

“Stop lying. There’s obviously something eating at you.”

Bucky sniffles and drops his face into his hands. “It’s nothing.”

“Dude, I literally can’t hear a word you’re saying. Look up and stop being a pussy.”

“Hey, language,” Bucky snaps, dropping his hands.

Becca rolls her eyes. “So _tell_ me.”

“I think there’s something wrong with me.”

“What do you mean?”

“Like, really wrong, Becca.”

“Do you, um, think you’re sick or something? Do you need to see someone?”

Bucky shakes his head and looks up at the ceiling to try and stop the tears from pooling. “I don’t want to have sex.”

“So?”

“So it’s not _normal.”_

“Do you just not like it?”

“I’ve never done it, Becca,” Bucky says, looking down in shame.

“Hey, there’s nothing wrong with that.”

“How isn’t there? I’m twenty-two.”

“Not everyone is ready when they’re younger.”

“But that’s the thing. I ain’t ever gonna be ready because I don’t _want_ it. The thought of it literally repulses me, Becca. There’s something wrong with me.”

“Hey, calm down a minute,” Becca says softly.

Bucky hates the look of concern on her face. He’s the big brother. He shouldn’t be dumping his shit on his little sister.

“Do you know what asexuality is?” she asks.

“A-what?”

“Asexuality. It’s basically a lack of sexual attraction. So, like you, if that’s what you’re saying. It’s perfectly normal. I mean, it’s rare, but there are lots of other people out there who don’t want sex too. It could just be a libido thing, don’t get me wrong, but you ought to look into it. I have a friend at school who’s asexual. She doesn’t get it when we’re talking about Timmy Higgins’ ass and she always feels super uncomfortable when guys try to hit on her.”

“But what if I like someone?”

“Do you want to have sex with them?”

“No, I don’t think so.”

“You can like someone without wanting to have sex with them. There’s two different spectrums. There’s a sexual and a romantic. You like guys, right? So you’re probably homo-romantic, but asexual.”

Bucky lets out a heavy breath. It’s a lot to take in.

“Do some research. It might make you feel better,” Becca says.

They say bye shortly after and Bucky stares at the black screen with a hollow feeling in the pit of his stomach.

**

 **_Asexuality_ ** _is the lack of sexual attraction to others, or low or absent interest in or desire for sexual activity. It may be considered the lack of a sexual orientation, or one of the variations thereof, alongside heterosexuality, homosexuality and bisexuality._

Bucky stares at his computer screen blankly, his chest tight and his breathing heavy.

He’s asexual.

Bucky is asexual.

**

The next time Bucky sees Steve is at a bar with Nat and Clint and Steve’s best friend Sam. They all get on as if they’ve known each other for years and Bucky can’t help but smile. Steve has been watching him all night and Bucky is glowing from the attention. Everything is wonderful, it really is, and Bucky almost forgets that there’s something wrong with him.

Almost.

“Want to dance, Buck?” Steve asks.

Bucky swallows thickly, but when he notices the other three sliding out of the booth, he agrees. He can’t be the one to spoil the fun.

Once they’re on the dance floor, Steve pulls him against his chest and Bucky takes a deep breath. They’re just dancing, that’s all. That’s what Bucky needs to remind himself of.

“Do you like dancing?” Steve asks Bucky.

“Yeah, it’s okay.”

Steve laughs, leaning down to press a kiss to the tip of Bucky’s nose. “I don’t like it much either.”

“It’s, um, I actually do,” Bucky stammers, blushing. “It’s just, I don’t like the expectations.”

“What expectations?” Steve asks, frowning.

“The sex.”

“What?” Steve asks, his eyebrows so high they’re almost in his hairline.

Bucky blushes harder. “Whenever people ask me to dance they always start feeling me up and then ask for sex and I, uh, I don’t like that.”

“You didn’t think that’s what I was doing, did you?” Steve asks, leaning down so they’re at eye level.

Bucky shrugs and presses his face into Steve’s neck.

“Hey, Buck,” Steve says, holding Bucky tighter and rubbing up and down his back. “I just wanted to dance with you. I just wanted to hold you. There’s no pressure, okay? We never have to do anything you don’t want.”

If Steve feels the wetness on his neck from Bucky’s tears, he says nothing, just holds Bucky tighter.

After a few minutes, Bucky pulls back and looks up at Steve.

“What if…” Bucky starts, gathering his courage, “What if I never want to?”

“Never want to what?” Steve asks.

“Have sex.”

Steve leans down and presses a soft kiss to Bucky’s lips. “I will never make you do anything you don’t want to do,” Steve whispers into Bucky’s ear. “I like you, Buck. If you never want sex, then I’m okay with that. We’ll work it out.”

Bucky sobs then, throwing his arms around Steve’s neck.

“You’re okay,” Steve says, “Everything is okay.”

**

“I’m asexual,” Bucky says. It’s the first time he’s said it aloud and he can’t help the dry sob that escapes him.

Steve shushes him, stroking his hair. They are curled up in Bucky’s bed, both dressed in a pair of Bucky’s pajamas, Steve a sturdy line against Bucky’s back. Bucky has never felt safer in his life.

“You’re asexual and I still want you, Buck. I’m never going to stop wanting you.”

“How do you know that?” Bucky asks, crying harder. “You’re going to get bored of me, that’s what I saw on the Internet. If you can’t get sex with me then you’ll find it somewhere else.”

“No, I don’t need sex. I need you.”

Bucky shakes his head, screwing his eyes closed. “You say that now, but you’ll change your mind.”

“Do you really think that badly of me?”

Bucky blinks his eyes open and turns over, looking at Steve with glassy eyes. He reaches up with a shaky hand and strokes Steve’s cheek. “You’re the best person I know, Stevie.”

“Then _trust_ me. We can work this out, Buck. I want to make this work because I want you.”

Bucky nods, tears spilling down his cheeks.

“Come here, sweetheart,” Steve says, pulling Bucky tightly to his chest. “It’s going to be okay. I’m going to look after you.”

**

Self-acceptance is hard.

Some days, Bucky feels proud of himself and his asexuality.

Other days, Bucky feels ashamed and cries himself to sleep.

Steve is there through it all and kisses away his tears and his hurts.

It’s going to be okay, he tells himself every morning when he wakes up. It’s all going to be okay.

One day, he thinks he’ll even believe it.

One day, he'll be proud.

**Author's Note:**

> Come find me on [tumblr](http://enochianess.tumblr.com)
> 
> If you liked it, please leave kudos or comments!


End file.
